Dad Talk ep. 2 - Am I Broken?
Family…the most used word of my last few weeks and likely the focus of 95% of my brain power. I’ve spent a lot of time reflecting on what the word ‘family’ means to me, especially in recent days. I’ve come to the realization that I am not who I want to be. Who I am when certain people are around is not what I envision. People who, to me, are some of the most important people in the world are subjected to a mask that I put on instinctively.
I’ve written an article about ‘Wearing Masks’ before, and my intent to be who I am at all times and all that. That is my intent, every day…however I still struggle to ensure that no mask is displayed, no façade is being upheld…I am still failing. I thought progress was made, but to no avail I am still not being myself and it was apparent in the recent visit of my family.
For context, I think I must provide the particulars of the visit and its significance. As you know, I spent the last 4 years in Germany. During that time, I took trips to visit family only a couple of times. In the beginning of my tour in Germany, COVID-19 measures were still in effect which made travel much more difficult. For the first year in Germany, traveling back to the states was nearly impossible for certain people in certain jobs such as mine. Most of the world was back to normal operations (pre-COVID style), but Germany was not playing around with their counter measures.
Additionally, Germany required COVID vaccination cards to be carried at all times and I attempted to put it off for as long as possible. However, members of the organization I worked for a the time were forced to take the vaccinations. This has been a recent topic since the new administration has overturned that requirement and is offering reinstatement & back pay for members who were forced out because of this requirement. I got mine done and then traveled back to the states shortly after to visit.
I feel it’s even more important to describe the environment when family visits or we visit them. I’m not sure how it is in your family when family visits, but I think its safe to say that most families are somewhat geographically close. They definitely are not living in two states opposite of each other, let alone multiple different countries sprawled across the world. I say that to say that when family is so distanced, visiting is different. If yours is the same, perhaps you can relate to how I feel.
When family visits…normal daily life ceases to exist so that my focus can be on quality time with one another. While this sounds good on the outside, it has negative conations and effects associated with it. Some family members visit us fairly often, given the prior 4 years of geographical separation. This has caused my wife and I to develop a certain level of stress, even when we’re looking forward to the visit. Typically, our lives do not ‘pause’ during this visit, rather the things we put on the back burner just pile up. We try to coordinate as much as we can prior to family arrival, but it just never is enough. Unfortunately, this perceived stress has perpetuated into family member visits from family members who haven’t had the opportunity to visit as often.
There it is…one catalyst to what makes me wear a mask. Instead of being myself and enjoying the company I am constantly worrying about all the other shit that is falling to the wayside. I feel guilty if I actually take care of those things because I have such limited time with those visiting. Especially when it’s my oldest daughter, my mother, or other people who I do not get to see as often as I’d like. I don’t want to miss a second with them.
So, I let all those other things fail. But it wears on me…it wears on who I am to the point I’m just so exhausted that I can barely function. There is almost barely any indicators of the real me present to those around me. I am grumpy, infinitely tired, and just not pleasant to be around. I default to almost looking forward to family leaving even when I know I’ll miss them for every second they are gone. I am pushed and pulled internally to the point where I feel like I cannot possibly succeed in the visit resulting in a positive overall outcome.
All of these emotions combined with the pushing and pulling are happening constantly, all while trying to create memories with my family. That is the goal, always…memories. But I feel like I always fall short. I feel like I cannot connect entirely because of this…mask I wear to try and hide the struggles within for the greater good. In my mind, I think I can do it. I think it so I make it happen and seem to always fall short but almost don’t even realize I am falling short until its too late. They’ve flown back already and here I am with a new void in my heart eroding away what little feeling I have left.
On the outside I am steady, stoic even, at times. Compartmentalizing everything and moving on. Its what I do…and I hate it. And guess what? The next time its announced family is visiting, it all comes back and seems to be exponentially worse every time. So instead of enjoying their company, I dread it because of all the things I mentioned above, but at the same time I want the time we spend together to be the best possible. Pushed and pulled once more to the point of almost breaking.
How do I get to the point of being ‘normal’ or ‘myself’ when family visits? I just don’t know how…and I’m almost 40 years old. Am I just broken? Perhaps…but no one knows it. My true feelings and mindset are hidden underneath layers of decades of wearing a mask and being ‘the strong one’. Being the one everyone depends on as I pretend I am good…no not good…pretending I am absolutely fantastic. In a weird way, I relish in it.
I thrive in the fact that people depend on me, even when I am struggling so hard that I feel a lesser person would crumble. In a way, it makes me stronger…when I prevail. Note that I didn’t say ‘if’ I prevail because I know me. I know no matter how hard it gets, I will survive. But the truth is, I’d rather survive and develop stronger, more meaningful relationships with those important to me. So…the struggle continues under the mask that I perpetually wear. A key part of my character, but also likely my downfall.
Tangent thought – This may be one reason I love Vegeta, the DBZ character, so much. I can relate to him. Clawing and fighting for every single thing he has… becoming stronger with each defeat until ascending to god hood.
In the end, those around me suffer for my inadequacies and failures and I must do better. If those affected are reading this, just know that I am deeply sorry. I love and care for you and only want the best for our future relationship. Have grace with me as I continue to grow and develop into the person I am trying to become. I am not perfect, nor ever will be.
Iron Dad
